Allone

I’ve been spending a lot more time with myself lately and I gotta say it’s a learning experience.

One of the more humbling things in life is to realize that you’ll spend all of it trying to understand yourself and only manage a small portion. I’ve been learning a lot more about myself lately, namely that I’m a pretty interesting guy.

I enjoy cinematography, discussing cognitive biases, new forms of communication, dance, the melding of minds that happen at the intersection of different disciplines. I like folks who are unafraid to keep true to their principles, who go after their dreams. I call those that don’t “civilians.”

For the longest time I surrounded myself with others. Partially because I didn’t quite know what to do with myself and needed the comfort of the human herd. On the flip side it was safe, on the other hand it made it so it was hard to hear my own voice.

I spent the start of the pandemic in survival mode living in a 4 bedroom, 1 bath with 7 people. It was so miserable and I didn’t know it. Especially when you live with the folks you work with, there’s this constant pressure to perform in stead of taking care of yourself.

Thank God I moved and started to heal. Gave me time and space to reflect and become myself again.

Something that only in the quiet echo of your own mind you can hear is the similarities and differences between yourself and others. It becomes important to celebrate those differences, to emphasize and elevate them. They are what make you you.

Charles bukowski writes in his poem roll the dice:

Roll the Dice
if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.

if you’re going to try, go all the
way. this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.

go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or
4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the
worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.

if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the
gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.

do it, do it, do it.
do it.

all the way
all the way.
you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter,
it’s the only good fight
there is.

Isolation is a gift. It allows you to hear the resonant tones of the harmony of your mind speaking with the universal whole. Singing in the dark.